The following is the speech given by E.M.Forster over radio of British Broadcasting System, July, 1941.
Many of the points he makes are relevant in today's world which is still
sadly full of discrimination and persecution based on religion,
ethnicity, nationality, and social class.
"EVERYBODY today is talking about reconstruction. Our enemies have
their schemes for a new order in Europe, maintained by their secret
police, and we on our side talk of rebuilding London or England, or
western civilisation, and we make plans how this is to be done—five-year
plans, or seven-year, or twenty-year. Which is all very well, but when I
hear such talk, and see the architects sharpening their pencils and the
contractors getting out their estimates, and the statesmen marking out
their spheres of influence, and everyone getting down to the job, as it
is called,a very famous text occurs to me: "Except the Lord build the
house they labour in vain who build it." Beneath the poetic imagery of
these words lies a hard scientific truth, namely, unless you have a
sound attitude of mind, a right psychology, you cannot construct or
reconstruct anything that will endure. The text is true, not only for
religious people, but for workers whatever their outlook, and it is
significant that one of our historians, Dr. Arnold Toynbee, should have
chosen it to preface his great study of the growth and decay of
civilisations.
We shall probably agree on this point; surely the
only sound foundation for a civilisation is a sound state of mind.
Architects, contractors, international commissioners, marketing boards,
broadcasting corporations will never, by themselves, build a new world.
They must be inspired by the proper spirit, and there must be the proper
spirit in the people for whom they are working. For instance, we shall
never have a beautiful new London until people refuse to live in ugly
houses. At present, they don't mind; they demand comfort, but are
indifferent to civic beauty; indeed they have no taste. I live myself in
a hideous block of flats, but I can't say it worries me, and until we
are worried, all schemes for reconstructing London beautifully must
automatically fail.
But about the general future of civilisation
we are all worried. We want to do something about it, and we agree that
the basic problem is psychological, that the Lord must build if the work
is to stand, that there must be a sound state of mind before diplomacy
or economics or trade-conferences can function. What state of mind is
sound? Here we may differ. Most people, when asked what spiritual
quality is needed to rebuild civilization, will reply "Love". Men must
love one another, they say; nations must do likewise, and then the
series of cataclysms which is threatening to destroy us will be checked.
Respectfully
but firmly, I disagree. Love is a great force in private life; it is
indeed the greatest of all things: but love in public affairs simply
does not work. It has been tried again and again: by the Christian
civilisations of the Middle Ages, and also by the French Revolution, a
secular movement which reasserted the Brotherhood of Man. And it has
always failed. The idea that nations should love one another, or that
business concerns or marketing boards should love one another, or that a
man in Portugal, say, should love a man in Peru of whom he has never
heard—it is absurd, it is unreal, worse, it is dangerous. It leads us
into perilous and vague sentimentalism. "Love is what is needed," we
chant, and then sit back and the world goes on as before. The fact is we
can only love what we know personally. And we cannot know much. In
public affairs, in the rebuilding of civilisation, something much less
dramatic and emotional is needed, namely, tolerance. Tolerance is a very
dull virtue. It is boring. Unlike love, it has always had a bad press.
It is negative. It merely means putting up with people, being able to
stand things. No one has ever written an ode to tolerance, or raised a
statue to her. Yet this is the quality which will be most needed after
the war. This is the sound state of mind which we are looking for. This
is the only force which will enable different races and classes and
interests to settle down together to the work of reconstruction.
The
world is very full of people—appallingly full; it has never been so
full before—and they are all tumbling over each other. Most of these
people one doesn't know and some of them one doesn't like; doesn't like
the colour of their skins, say, or the shapes of their noses, or the way
they blow them or don't blow them, or the way they talk, or their smell
or their clothes, or their fondness for jazz or their dislike of jazz,
and so on. Well, what is one to do? There are two solutions. One of them
is the Nazi solution. If you don't like people, kill them, banish them,
segregate them, and then strut up and down proclaiming that you are the
salt of the earth. The other way is much less thrilling, but it is on
the whole the way of the democracies, and I prefer it. If you don't like
people, put up with them as well as you can. Don't try to love them;
you can't, you'll only strain yourself. But try to tolerate them. On the
basis of that tolerance a civilised future may be built. Certainly I
can see no other foundation for the post-war world.
For what it
will most need is the negative virtues: not being huffy, touchy,
irritable, revengeful. I have no more faith in positive militant
ideals; they can so seldom be carried out without thousands of human
beings getting maimed or imprisoned. Phrases like "I will purge this
nation," "I will clean up this city," terrify and disgust me. They might
not have mattered so much when the world was emptier: they are
horrifying now, when one nation is mixed up with another, when one city
cannot be organically separated from its neighbours. And, another point:
reconstruction is unlikely to be rapid. I do not believe that we are
psychologically fit for it, plan the architects never so wisely. In the
long run, yes, perhaps: the history of our race justifies that hope. But
civilisation has its mysterious regressions, and it seems to me that we
are fated now to be in one of them, and must recognise this and behave
accordingly. Tolerance, I believe, will be imperative after the
establishment of peace. It's always useful to take a concrete instance:
and I have been asking myself how I should behave if, after peace was
signed, I met Germans who had been fighting against us. I shouldn't try
to love them: I shouldn't feel inclined. They have broken a window in my
little ugly flat for one thing, and they have done other things which I
need not specify. But I shall try to tolerate them, because it is
common-sense, because in the post-war world we shall have to live with
Germans. We can't exterminate them, any more than they have succeeded in
exterminating the Jews. We shall have to put up with them, not for any
lofty reason, but because it is the next thing that will have to be
done.
I don't then regard Tolerance as a great eternally
established divine principle, though I might perhaps quote "In My
Father's House are many mansions" in support of such a view. It is just a
makeshift, suitable for an overcrowded and overheated planet. It
carries on when love gives out, and love generally gives out as soon as
we move away from our home and our friends—and stand in a queue for
potatoes. Tolerance is wanted in the queue; otherwise we think, "Why
will people be so slow?"; it is wanted in the tube, "Why will people be
so fat?"; it is wanted at the telephone, or we say "Why are they so
deaf?" or conversely, "Why do they mumble?" It is wanted in the street,
in the office, at the factory, and it is wanted above all between
classes, races, and nations. It's dull. And yet it entails imagination.
For you have all the time to be putting yourself in someone else's
place. Which is a desirable spiritual exercise.
I was saying that
Tolerance has a bad press. This ceaseless effort to put up with other
people seems tame, almost ignoble, so that it sometimes repels generous
natures, and I don't recall many great men who have recommended it. St.
Paul certainly didn't. Nor did Dante. However, a few names occur to me,
and I will give them, to lend some authority to what I say. Going back
over two thousand years, and to India, there is the great Buddhist
Emperor Asoka, who set up inscriptions all over India, recording not his
own exploits but the need for mercy and mutual understanding and peace.
Going back about four hundred years, to Holland, there is the Dutch
scholar Erasmus, who stood apart from the religious fanaticism of the
Reformation and was abused by both parties, Catholic and Lutheran, in
consequence. In the same century there was the Frenchman, Montaigne,
subtle, intelligent, witty, who lived in his quiet country house and
wrote essays which still delight the civilised. And England, too: there
was John Locke, the philosopher; there was Sydney Smith, the Liberal and
liberalising divine; there was a man who recently died, Lowes
Dickinson, writer of a little book called A Modern Symposium, which
might be called the Bible of Tolerance. And Germany, too—yes, Germany:
there
was Goethe. All these men testify to the creed which I have been trying
to express: a negative creed, but very necessary for the salvation of
this crowded jostling modern world.
Two more remarks, and I have
done. The first is that it's very easy to see fanaticism in other
people, but difficult to spot in oneself. Take the evil of racial
prejudice. We can easily detect it in the Nazis; their conduct has been
infamous ever since they rose to power. But we ourselves—are we quite
guiltless? We are far less guilty than they are? Yet is there no racial
prejudice in the British Empire? Is there
no colour question? I
ask you to consider that, those of you to whom Tolerance is more than a
pious word. My other remark is to forestall a criticism. Tolerance is
not the same as weakness. Putting up with people does not mean giving in
to them. This complicates the problem. But the rebuilding of
civilisation is bound to be complicated. I only feel certain that unless
the Lord builds the House, they will labour in vain who build it.
Perhaps, when the house is completed, love will enter it, and the
greatest force in our private lives will also rule in public life."
By E. M. FORSTER, English Journalist and Commentator,
Delivered over radio of British Broadcasting System, July, 1941
Vital Speeches of the Day, Vol. VIII, pp. 12-14
Thursday, October 31, 2013
The Unsung Virtue of Tolerance ( By E.M Forster)
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Our children and their disconnect to Nature........A tragic consequence of the Digital age!
One of my fondest memories from my childhood are of our long endless walks with my mom, sometimes in the parks, sometimes just around town. We'd talk just about anything, we'd joke around, or play word games as we walked and walked and walked. But then if a breeze would make the leaves rustle, our mom would stop and make us listen and enjoy the soft sound and watch the leaves dance gently. If a bird were to sit nearby we'd pause and try to figure out it's name and species. In days of fall, we'd collect leaves in different shades of red, orange, rust and yellow. In short we were aware and connected to our surroundings..... to nature.
We loved to go on long lazy walks....walks leading no where in particular, with no time limit, and with no definite purpose except to absorb the beauty and magic of nature.
But that was the seventies and eighties, the time before the Personal computer, Nintendo, Cell phone, X- Box, PlayStation, iPad and all these electronic devices! Now is the Digital age! In today's world, texting has replaced talking, FaceTime or Skype have replaced actually meeting, emailing has replaced writing and mailing a letter, and playing with someone now means playing without ever meeting or knowing them. This is the age of maximum physical isolation and complete disconnect between man and his immediate surroundings!! Actual social interaction can be avoided to the point that you can survive without having any human interaction whatsoever!
Man has been defined as a social animal. the development of skills such as biological, social, intellectual and moral are highly influenced by the interaction with other human beings. The lack of these constant opportunities to refine basic social skills and learn new ones can only lead to men and women deficient in many of the basic social acumens essential to function in society in a productive, positive and normal way. Sadly that seems to be the direction our children are heading in. This generation is being overwhelmed and bombarded with digital and electronic alternatives to actual sports, social gatherings, friendships, family time and experiencing the fun of being outdoors. This may be saving them moments of embarrassment, confusion, disappointment, failure, loss and pain but then it is also depriving them from opportunities to learn, grow and evolve as human beings. Today's generation would rather remotely send a text, or email or maybe just de-friend others, instead of actually confronting issues, mistakes,
misunderstandings and other emotional dramas that are part of life. I have had teenagers tell me how they'd rather text some friends then to actually talk to them face to face. Even grown-ups are breaking up relationships with texts rather then telling their significant others to their face and experience the consequence of their decision first-hand!
Can someone who has played games online with you for ages but has never met you be a real friend to you? Will all your Facebook friends show up when you're in trouble and need help? When they post a heart on your page, do they really mean love? When they don't click 'Like' , does that mean they don't care? Why do human emotions have to be restricted by these shallow, erratic and thoughtless clicks or posts? Do we really want our next generations to live in such a world?
And what about the use of remote devices to fight our enemies? The use of drones for bombarding enemy targets, without a single boot on the ground is a ruthless and cowardly way to fight. Does the soldier pressing that button feel anything? Can he distinguish between killing an enemy combatant in a video game and killing a live breathing human being? Can he tell if he killed the real target or just a child playing in his backyard? Does he think of the environmental ramifications of these blasts? Will he ever see the damage, destruction and death one click might have caused? If they never experience the true reactions to their actions, the consequences of their decisions, what is going to make them stop and think before they leap?
Let's unplug those computers, let's stop buying those video games, let's explore our forest preserves, let's bring our children back to the real world and help them appreciate it by really experiencing it.Only then will they think twice about the extended consequences of their actions in life and hopefully make more responsible and humane decisions. Let us save our children by letting them live real lives with real people and thus save our world.
( This post was inspired by a recent news article on BBC News . "Just one in five children connected to nature, says study. " Here is the link to it. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-24532638)
We loved to go on long lazy walks....walks leading no where in particular, with no time limit, and with no definite purpose except to absorb the beauty and magic of nature.
But that was the seventies and eighties, the time before the Personal computer, Nintendo, Cell phone, X- Box, PlayStation, iPad and all these electronic devices! Now is the Digital age! In today's world, texting has replaced talking, FaceTime or Skype have replaced actually meeting, emailing has replaced writing and mailing a letter, and playing with someone now means playing without ever meeting or knowing them. This is the age of maximum physical isolation and complete disconnect between man and his immediate surroundings!! Actual social interaction can be avoided to the point that you can survive without having any human interaction whatsoever!
Can someone who has played games online with you for ages but has never met you be a real friend to you? Will all your Facebook friends show up when you're in trouble and need help? When they post a heart on your page, do they really mean love? When they don't click 'Like' , does that mean they don't care? Why do human emotions have to be restricted by these shallow, erratic and thoughtless clicks or posts? Do we really want our next generations to live in such a world?
And what about the use of remote devices to fight our enemies? The use of drones for bombarding enemy targets, without a single boot on the ground is a ruthless and cowardly way to fight. Does the soldier pressing that button feel anything? Can he distinguish between killing an enemy combatant in a video game and killing a live breathing human being? Can he tell if he killed the real target or just a child playing in his backyard? Does he think of the environmental ramifications of these blasts? Will he ever see the damage, destruction and death one click might have caused? If they never experience the true reactions to their actions, the consequences of their decisions, what is going to make them stop and think before they leap?
Let's unplug those computers, let's stop buying those video games, let's explore our forest preserves, let's bring our children back to the real world and help them appreciate it by really experiencing it.Only then will they think twice about the extended consequences of their actions in life and hopefully make more responsible and humane decisions. Let us save our children by letting them live real lives with real people and thus save our world.
( This post was inspired by a recent news article on BBC News . "Just one in five children connected to nature, says study. " Here is the link to it. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-24532638)
Oranges and Sunshine
Last week saw " Oranges and Sunshine" a movie by Jim Loach based on a
book 'Empty Cradles' by Margaret Humphreys. The movie and the subject
are both so poignant that I wanted to share it with my friends.
Starring
Emma Watson , as Margaret Humphreys a real life social worker who in
the 1980s uncovered the scandalous and forced relocation of poor
British children (on welfare) to Australia. As usual Emma Watson gives
an impeccable performance.
Hugo Weaving and David Wenham also give powerful performances as Jack and Len as two former British Child migrants who are tormented by their painful past. The movie is slow paced and leaves one deeply disturbed by this blatant miscarriage of justice and cruelty to children but I would still recommend it!
Facts about British Forced Child Migration:
It has since been established that such forced migrations of poor children were made not only to Australia. The origins of the scheme go back to 1618 when a hundred children were sent from London to Richmond, Virginia which is now one of the United States of America. The final party arrived in Australia in 1970. It is estimated that child migration programmes were responsible for the removal of over 130,000 children from the United Kingdom to Canada, New Zealand, Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia) and Australia. About 7000 of these children were sent to Australia.
In most cases children were told their parents had died or didn't want them back, while parents were told their kids had been adopted by wealthier people. These children were placed in Roman Catholic Institutions in Western Australia and Queensland, where they were housed and allegedly abused. The children were promised a life full of Sunshine and Oranges, hence the name of the movie.

Britain is the only country in the world with a sustained history of child migration. Only Britain has used child migration as a significant part of its child care strategy over a period of four centuries rather than as a policy of last resort during times of war or civil unrest.This is a shameful chapter in British history, the govt of Britain and Australia initially refused to acknowledge it. Prime Ministers Kevin Rudd and Gordon Brown finally made public apologies in 2009 and 2010 respectively.
Margaret Humphreys to this day is working through the Child Migrants Trust to join these children and their families to their relatives and families in Britain.
Starring
Emma Watson , as Margaret Humphreys a real life social worker who in
the 1980s uncovered the scandalous and forced relocation of poor
British children (on welfare) to Australia. As usual Emma Watson gives
an impeccable performance.Hugo Weaving and David Wenham also give powerful performances as Jack and Len as two former British Child migrants who are tormented by their painful past. The movie is slow paced and leaves one deeply disturbed by this blatant miscarriage of justice and cruelty to children but I would still recommend it!
Facts about British Forced Child Migration:
It has since been established that such forced migrations of poor children were made not only to Australia. The origins of the scheme go back to 1618 when a hundred children were sent from London to Richmond, Virginia which is now one of the United States of America. The final party arrived in Australia in 1970. It is estimated that child migration programmes were responsible for the removal of over 130,000 children from the United Kingdom to Canada, New Zealand, Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia) and Australia. About 7000 of these children were sent to Australia.
In most cases children were told their parents had died or didn't want them back, while parents were told their kids had been adopted by wealthier people. These children were placed in Roman Catholic Institutions in Western Australia and Queensland, where they were housed and allegedly abused. The children were promised a life full of Sunshine and Oranges, hence the name of the movie.

Britain is the only country in the world with a sustained history of child migration. Only Britain has used child migration as a significant part of its child care strategy over a period of four centuries rather than as a policy of last resort during times of war or civil unrest.This is a shameful chapter in British history, the govt of Britain and Australia initially refused to acknowledge it. Prime Ministers Kevin Rudd and Gordon Brown finally made public apologies in 2009 and 2010 respectively.
Margaret Humphreys to this day is working through the Child Migrants Trust to join these children and their families to their relatives and families in Britain.
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
The dilemma of the "If Onlys" in life!
I do realize we cannot change anything in the past but when things in the present don't go as expected I think we all try to hold on to dreams of what might have been. The 'If Only' dilemma! I don't know about you but I have had far too many 'If Onlys', some of which still haunt me to this day.
They are not all that occupies my mind but they do keep popping into my head every now and then. And on some days they become gigantic regrets that overwhelm me and leave a sadness in my heart.
As I grow older those 'If Only' moments are becoming fewer and are less often accompanied by that brief painful pang. So I ask myself, does that mean that I have gotten wiser? or does it mean that I am starting to lose hope of anything being different more like I imagined?
If I ask my dear mom that she'd probably declare this was wisdom so would my older sisters and tell me to lay it to rest. Yet somehow I feel it is important to hold on to some of those 'If Onlys'. It those unfulfilled ideas and hopes that often force us to take significant steps towards growth and positive change in our lives. It is those regrets that keep reminding us of our potential and our aspirations, they awaken the desire to reach for more then what we have resigned ourselves to in life. I understand that circumstances and responsibilities as a parent can restrict and limit the actions one can take but it is that deep seated pain of loss that drives us to try to regain some of the optimistic and idealistic magic which is often the secret behind great achievements in life.
In my case, even writing this blog is a part of my efforts to achieve a little more each day. And I am hoping it will drive me to do for my personal and spiritual growth.
When God created Mothers....
As I was going through mementos stashed in one of my dresser's drawers, came across this note. I got it from my youngest when he was a preschooler with his mother's day gift, thought I'd share it with other moms!
When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was in to his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said,"Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic... have 180 movable parts-all replaceable....run on black coffee and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when she stands up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair...and six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said,"Six pairs of hands? No way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded."One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks,"What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows.Another in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know. And of course, the ones in the front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say "I understand and I love you" without so much as uttering a word.
"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently,"go to bed tomorrow is another......"
"I can't," said the Lord. " I'm so close now. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger, and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft,"she sighed.
" But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. " You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
" Can it think?"
'Not only think, but it can reason and compromise" said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across her cheek.
" There's a leak," she pronounced.
" It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's that for?"
" It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a Genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber," I didn't put it there."
When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was in to his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said,"Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic... have 180 movable parts-all replaceable....run on black coffee and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when she stands up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair...and six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said,"Six pairs of hands? No way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded."One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks,"What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows.Another in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know. And of course, the ones in the front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say "I understand and I love you" without so much as uttering a word.
"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently,"go to bed tomorrow is another......"
"I can't," said the Lord. " I'm so close now. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger, and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft,"she sighed.
" But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. " You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
" Can it think?"
'Not only think, but it can reason and compromise" said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across her cheek.
" There's a leak," she pronounced.
" It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's that for?"
" It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a Genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber," I didn't put it there."
Monday, April 1, 2013
Shopping savvy or just plain thrifty?
Just like all women in general, I enjoy shopping and spending on stuff I don't really need! Yes, I am guilty!!
Yet, unlike many women I know, I buy what I like not what the fashion world or the media tells me I need to buy to qualify as stylish and well-dressed. This does not mean that I didn't buy animal print shirts or skinny jeans, but it means I bought them only when I like how I looked in them and didn't care what the label said! Be it Micheal Kors, Ann Klein or Target label, if I like it I buy it!
Now to my surprise, this attitude is often so foreign to most ladies (including my friends) that the only way they can believe it to be ok is when they label me as thrifty and blame finances for my lack of desperation to acquire Designer label items! Although I don't really put much effort into dispelling this perception, why bother?! But I do find it strange and have tried to understand why it is so hard for most women to just follow their gut, wear what makes them look good and buy what they feel is worth it's price and how come I don't feel that pressure?
After much retrospection into how I became that way (since in most peoples' eyes I am an oddity) I have come to the conclusion that my mom is responsible! Yep, it's mom ,again! And in this case I am totally thankful to her for raising me free of any label restrictions or status hunger. Thank you Mom!
Growing up as a bureaucrat's kids we were spoiled in some ways, but spending was strictly budgeted. If dad had agreed to bend his principles and taken a few bribes and favors here and there, it might have been different but he never wavered, in spite of being ostracized for being so uncompromising. But that kept him free of any controversy in very politically driven times.
So coming back to our spending habits, my mom very effectively taught us to buy what we needed and what we could afford. An old proverb constantly repeated was "spread your feet according to the size of your blanket". We were always smartly dressed, kept up with fashion to a reasonable degree but hardly ever gave in easily. If a fad made me look fat or short, I was going to skip on it and be ok with it! If I failed to take a stand and went for the strange poofy sleeves or loose shapeless tops and looked like a bodybuilder (being already broad shouldered) my mom jolted me back to reality. Hence I never boarded the crazy fads bandwagon!
Another big factor making me money wise was growing up in a non-credit culture. In the Asian culture, being indebted financially is a burden no one wants to carry. In some areas, debt is still used as a means to enslaving farming families and controlling their freedom by agricultural landlords. In such a society, you run as far away as you can from taking loans or using credit for any purpose. That is why we never spent more then we had, and we were taught to save for a rainy day since credit was not an option! It teaches you to keep an eye on your financial means. And that habit has kept me and my family free of loans and debts even in this credit crazed culture where everyone wants to buy everything whether they can afford it or not! When the economy hit rock bottom we managed to keep ourselves afloat and made it through the tough times.
So I guess; I really don't care who I wear or how much I spend as long as I get what I need and what I want.
Thanks Mom and Dad!
Yet, unlike many women I know, I buy what I like not what the fashion world or the media tells me I need to buy to qualify as stylish and well-dressed. This does not mean that I didn't buy animal print shirts or skinny jeans, but it means I bought them only when I like how I looked in them and didn't care what the label said! Be it Micheal Kors, Ann Klein or Target label, if I like it I buy it!
Now to my surprise, this attitude is often so foreign to most ladies (including my friends) that the only way they can believe it to be ok is when they label me as thrifty and blame finances for my lack of desperation to acquire Designer label items! Although I don't really put much effort into dispelling this perception, why bother?! But I do find it strange and have tried to understand why it is so hard for most women to just follow their gut, wear what makes them look good and buy what they feel is worth it's price and how come I don't feel that pressure?
After much retrospection into how I became that way (since in most peoples' eyes I am an oddity) I have come to the conclusion that my mom is responsible! Yep, it's mom ,again! And in this case I am totally thankful to her for raising me free of any label restrictions or status hunger. Thank you Mom!
Growing up as a bureaucrat's kids we were spoiled in some ways, but spending was strictly budgeted. If dad had agreed to bend his principles and taken a few bribes and favors here and there, it might have been different but he never wavered, in spite of being ostracized for being so uncompromising. But that kept him free of any controversy in very politically driven times.
So coming back to our spending habits, my mom very effectively taught us to buy what we needed and what we could afford. An old proverb constantly repeated was "spread your feet according to the size of your blanket". We were always smartly dressed, kept up with fashion to a reasonable degree but hardly ever gave in easily. If a fad made me look fat or short, I was going to skip on it and be ok with it! If I failed to take a stand and went for the strange poofy sleeves or loose shapeless tops and looked like a bodybuilder (being already broad shouldered) my mom jolted me back to reality. Hence I never boarded the crazy fads bandwagon!
Another big factor making me money wise was growing up in a non-credit culture. In the Asian culture, being indebted financially is a burden no one wants to carry. In some areas, debt is still used as a means to enslaving farming families and controlling their freedom by agricultural landlords. In such a society, you run as far away as you can from taking loans or using credit for any purpose. That is why we never spent more then we had, and we were taught to save for a rainy day since credit was not an option! It teaches you to keep an eye on your financial means. And that habit has kept me and my family free of loans and debts even in this credit crazed culture where everyone wants to buy everything whether they can afford it or not! When the economy hit rock bottom we managed to keep ourselves afloat and made it through the tough times.
So I guess; I really don't care who I wear or how much I spend as long as I get what I need and what I want.
Thanks Mom and Dad!
Monday, March 11, 2013
A worthy advice to my sons......
When I first read the poem " If " by Rudyard Kipling, I was a teenager with no cares in the world.
Then I read this poem again recently, I am mother to three beautiful boys, I have all the cares in the world for their happy and safe future!
I did like the poem that first time long ago too but I don't think I really got the essence of it completely. It means a lot more to me now, it brings tears to my eyes because now I too am a parent who wishes nothing but to raise good men who lead wise and worthy lives..... So for all the parents of sons, here it is........
IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
Then I read this poem again recently, I am mother to three beautiful boys, I have all the cares in the world for their happy and safe future!
I did like the poem that first time long ago too but I don't think I really got the essence of it completely. It means a lot more to me now, it brings tears to my eyes because now I too am a parent who wishes nothing but to raise good men who lead wise and worthy lives..... So for all the parents of sons, here it is........
IF
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
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