An Unfair Hierarchy

When I saw this Time magazine cover story in October 2011
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20111003,00.html
I realized that I wasn't imagining that there was unfair hierarchy in our family! It is everywhere and affects everyone. This hierarchy directly affect the dynamics in a family and thus also influences the personalities of all family members, especially the children!

Who hasn't heard of or met someone with the so called "Middle child syndrome"? But how come no one talks of the eldest child syndrome? Or the youngest child syndrome? For in my experience, these syndromes are very much a reality!
I grew up in a family with a dominant sharp tongued and often unpredictable father,  a high spirited devoted & resilient mother and four highly intelligent, emotionally volatile and somewhat ambitious kids.
Being the third daughter followed by the one and only son, I was in a tough spot! Wasn't entitled to favors usually reserved for the youngest, and then squeezed under two rather commanding sisters!

Now what I wondered all those years growing up was whether my well known patience, and self sufficiency were inherent in me or those were tactics that helped me find my place in the family dynamics? Those qualities may sound nice ones, but believe me , they were my curse sometimes..... Anyone needed being overlooked, who else but the patient one! Anyone needed to assist and wait on mom or dad, pick the handy one! At a younger age, I took that as a compliment but as I grew up, I realized how much less attention, love and appreciation was being sent my way!

Once my dad decided to describe each of his child's special role in his life. The eldest girl was his achiever, his adviser. The second girl was his gnarly one, but being so much like him in looks and personality, he enjoyed it! About his son, he was  his pride and his heir.   Then my mom said " What about your third child?" Yes, he had forgotten me! "Oh, she's the one who helps me out...."
It might have been his way of complimenting me....... Though it did not sound like one to me!
But that kind of defined what role each one of us would play in the family. One would lead, the other would follow though she'd voice her objection freely, he would be the endearing one and I would be the more compliant one ,and the last in line.

That was decades ago, we're all settled, married with kids, each living in different states. We no longer have to conform to the roles we were placed in, at least in our individual lives. Some of the skills we developed because of that hierarchy have been a source of strength and an asset in certain situations in our individual lives. While at other times, not so good for us!  That is when we ask our parents why they treated each of us so differently as we grew up. We always try to blame them for our shortcomings!
Now that I am a parent, I don't know if they were really that much in control of who we'd become. Each of my child is so unique in some ways and yet so alike in others. I try to keep each of their special characteristics in mind and keep a balance and fairness in all I do, but I have a feeling that when they are all grown up and independent , they will have more complaints against me as a mother then I can imagine!
And by the way, that hierarchy, we all think we're free of now, it creeps right back up at each family reunion. Hence the legendary drama, friction, stress and frustration of all families' reunions. :)

The Disappearing Act ?

When in Med school, full of confidence, hope and ambition, I never saw myself as a stay at home full time mom. Never! The future I imagined then was always as a single woman, never even thought of marriage and kids. All I saw was myself as a successful physician, making great money while doing what I loved! I did that for almost 5 years, and enjoyed every bit of it. Mind you, it wasn't always easy, had to deal with nasty unpleasant patients, mean lazy nurses, and old cranky consultants who wouldn't hear of any other diagnosis then their own! But I loved my relationship with my patients, specially the elderly. I loved listening to their stories, and loved receiving all their sweet generous prayers for my future.
Then came marriage time, by then I had been made aware by meddling aunties of the importance thereof. My mom's stress was also showing so I gave in and said yes to the guy they picked. I realized I would have to move to the US but it was ok since all my siblings were already settled here. The fact that I had to resign from my job and be unemployed wasn't easy! The excitement of the wedding, kept my unhappiness at becoming financially dependent on my husband, suppressed and forgotten.
On arrival to the US, very quickly realized, I hardly knew the man I had married. Getting to know him, establishing a mutual love and respect  would take time, a significant amount of patience, forgiveness, understanding and yes, work!! All that kept me busy for a long while. Then came kids and the decision of a lifetime to give motherhood a priority over pursuing my career.
About 12 years later, as the kids are growing up and becoming more independent, I have somewhat more time to myself. More time to think retrospectively, more time to second guess all my past decisions, more time to remember myself as that ambitious young woman! Then it dawns on me, that somewhere somehow I have lost that person! The one known for her laughter, her optimism, her carefree attitude, her idealism, that young woman is gone.... That woman was also coquette, she always has perfectly manicured hands and pedicured feet, she could fit into a size 4 dress, and she had a flawless skin!
I ask myself why I don't laugh out loud so much, why I give in to persuasion so much, why I don't express my point of view as aggressively, why I forego my needs first. And why don't I lose all that weight, when did I get all those sunspots and wrinkles, how can I be ok with it? That is when I realize, maybe that young woman is still here, only now she is known for being practical, resourceful, caring, and very realistic! And it is ok if now she looks like a married woman with kids!
So I guess, She is ok and she has matured, that's all! :)

Evolution of mom!

I was 30 when I had my first child , 33 when I had my second and 36 when I had my third child.
There is only a mere gap of about 2-3 years in between each child, but each experience was unique in it's own way. And with each child I learned and evolved.

Baby#1:  I was the idealistic mom, who thought if she devoted each and every living cell to the care of her child she would do a perfect job! She would prove to be the best at motherhood ever!
I was over efficient, totally committed and so patient nothing could frazzle me. I gave in to all my lil' one's whims. I filled his toy box and his wardrobe to the brim and beyond. I was going to love each and every moment of it and make it worth throwing my career away for!

The fact that baby #1 was a healthy happy and very easy child made it all the more plausible that this was going to be perfection to a tee!  He was a hearty eater, easy burper, and sound sleeper! The perfect lil' angel every mother wants! I could stick to a schedule, I could plan ahead with him. ! I was in baby heaven and the envy of other moms. I decided having a baby wasn't so hard after all!

Baby#2:  About 2 1/2 years later came baby #2. Now this baby was another story, yes he was healthy and happy but not easy! This baby wanted only breast milk, this baby was often colicky and this baby was the lightest sleeper ever (we had to tiptoe in the room if he was sleeping, couldn't even whisper without waking him up!). on top of that he had super strong lungs so he cried and screamed like there was no tomorrow! ( many times I was told I had a tenor on my hands in elevators by polite strangers) He also was a clinger, I couldn't go to the bathroom when alone with him or he would scream and cry till I came out! He also didn't like the nanny ( same nanny that had taken care of big brother who loved her to bits!) he didn't like crowds, all he wanted was to be in mommy's lap all the time.  My concept of babies being simple and easy to take care of was totally shattered!! Being a mother was far more difficult with two children! I was constantly torn between sharing a story with my toddler to putting the baby to bed and shooing the toddler away! But what could one do!


As a result of the new dynamics I learned to feed a baby while keeping the toddler interested in his food too! Learned to cuddle a baby and a toddler at the same time without territorial issues arising!
Also learned to maneuver a double stroller with two supersized little ones in it!! ( got myself some noteworthy muscular arms in the process). Became an expert at packing a combination baby/toddler bag all the time. Always remembered to buckle up two superactive kids in their car seats and provide each with appropriate entertainment to last the drive. And so on.... until I thought I had it all under control once again!

Baby#3: So three years later came baby #3! But to start with, this one came 1 month early!! I wasn't prepared for the every 2 hours feeding! I don't think I slept much the first two months after his birth! But I did have the good sense to get myself a new nanny, who charmed the older two right away and made it possible for me to cope with the lil' one. With her help I got to enjoy some me time, I also got to have fun with the boys without being overwhelmed by all their needs!

But this time, while dealing with Baby #3 I found myself calmer, more realistic  and more patient. When he spilled juice allover the floor, I didn't scream and run to clean it at super sonic speed. When he stumbled I picked him up and brushed the dirt off without freaking out about injuries. When he threw tantrums I didn't lose it along with him! And when I was tired, I didn't push myself further to the breaking point, I took a breather and relaxed a little before getting back to the daily rut! So I got smarter and I got wiser!!

Sometimes when I smile at my youngest son's rebellion I remember  how I took it personally when my eldest had his moments of toddler rebellion.

Maybe I was too tough on my eldest because I was trying to stick to a plan and thought that it was the only way. I tried to continue it with my second child but he very early on taught me how each child is so very different in his or her own way. And thus with my youngest son I am less stressed about sticking to the plan and more focused on keeping it simple, realistic and fun. Hence I have evolved and continue to do so as baby

When you don't get your own child?!

I am hoping as I share my dilemma;

1. That I am not the only one
2. I am not the one to blame here

As I picked parenting as my full time job,  I assumed my professional experiences (specially my rotation in Peds Psych) and my medical education would give me enough insight to do a phenomenal job! Have I ever been so wrong!!! :(

When they are young toddlers, any big conflict or complaining or whining fit between child and parent can be easily averted by creating a distraction. Ooh, how gullible my little cuties were then! But as they get older and somewhat more cunning they learn to see through our peace-keeping tactics. The wiser they get the more complex becomes our plan of action and over time it becomes totally emotionally and mentally exhausting to keep it up. Thus comes the time of confrontations, arguments and complaints!

As my eldest  hit his preteen phase, He started throwing a barrage of accusations at me. From being guilty of favoring the younger ones to causing him to mislay his homework sheet, from ruining his life (his precise words!) to hating him so much (again per verbatim)!

Now his father very lovingly explained to me 'It is just a phase, it will pass' and reassures me 'He doesn't mean it, he really loves you a lot'. But he wasn't the one being told that he wasn't a good parent! I was!!

At first I tried to reason with my dear son, I laid out a list of extraordinary things I have done above and beyond my motherly duties, I provided verbal and material evidence of all he's been given and blessed with. I mean how can he complain after the overwhelming evidence of my immense love and devotion.  But I soon realized that I was explaining myself all the time and I couldn't anymore, it was too emotionally consuming.

Then came the authoritarian  mom. No more explaining! Only firm disagreement and end all conversations with finality to discourage dissent. Yep I put up a cold war wall!! Pretty soon the wall appeared to be becoming impenetrable, instead of improving my relationship with my son I was losing any closeness we had, so broke down the wall asap!

Now let me tell you that besides these outbursts and sometimes thoughtless remarks, I have a really good kid on my hands! He has never gotten in trouble in school or anywhere else. He has done exceptionally well in academics! He is responsible and trustworthy.

So after months of second guessing myself as a mother, I came to the conclusion that it was time to accept, believe and trust. Accept that I will make mistakes and I will stumble on my journey as a mom, and believe in my love for my son and vice versa, and finally trust myself and my beautiful son to move past these PHASES and enjoy each wonderful moment I have with him.

I just hope I can stick to this plan!! ;)

Love at first sight?!! Spontaneous or arranged?

When young I like all other romantic dreamy teenage girls, read lots of literature. No not Barbara Cartland paperback,(being raised by two Master in English Literature parents that would be balsphemous!)but E.M Forster, Daphne De Maurier, Bronte sisters, etc.... And like so many I believed in love at first sight...(or maybe second?)
Besides the literary influence, other factors played into it;
My parents had married for love in spite of the paramount differences in their family backgrounds and culture. Both their families were against it, and there was a glitch, my dad was already engaged to be married to a distant cousin. Now let me clarify that their story took place in the Indian Subcontinent not the US! Dad was Punjabi, Mom Urdu speaking. His family were mostly rural landlords, hers urban high level government employees. He was a shia and she a Sunni!( different sects of Islam just like Catholics and Protestants in Chirstianity)
They did have certain things in common, both lost their fathers when 9, both were smart, both loved literature and both were exceptionally good looking! (Not making that up, they really were!)
On top of that I grew up to be independent and strong willed , no one was gonna tell me who to marry! Throughout college kept that dream alive, my time would come and I would find my mate, fall in love and spend a lifetime of charm, romance and devotion!

Instead............ life happened!
Graduated, got a job and became a candidate for arrange marriage!! Yes, arranged! :)

Now when my friends in the US hear that word they squirm at the mere thought of having someone else pick their life partner for them. What they overlook is how it makes settling down so easy and simple.
Single women in the US struggle and despair when searching for a possible boyfriend, then they worry and stress over his lack of total commitment, if they get that commitment, they then wake nights praying he'll pop the question! Yet, after putting so much effort and time in selecting, catching and tying the knot, rate of divorces is much higher in their cases then in case of arranged marriages.

In comparison, when parents are arranging potential matches for their daughters (and I am talking about educated emancipated Pakistani families), they find a select group of bachelors (often referred by friends and family). They meet the candidates( often with their parents), they pick a few and then have their daughter meet those families. If both sides like each other, the boy's family sends in a request for the girl's hand in marriage. The final say is the girl's and her parents'.  So unromantic! So weird! Yes it is so!
But it is also a practical and rational thought through way of dealing with a very crucial life decision!The falling in love starts after the marriage, since commitment comes first, both partners work at it together! But because during the selection process social, educational, cultural and religious standards have been matched, many things in the relationship just fall into place. The few bumps (or many in some cases) are worked on, fought over and dealt with together. These roadblocks exist for all couples in a marriage whether arranged or not!
If their hearts are in the right place, they sort it out somehow (in most cases)!

In the end, I will confess for me it wasn't that simple and easy but what in life ever is?!

Why start a blog?

When I had my first son ( hardly one year into the marriage!) I had to make a major decision. My choices;
a) Pursue my career, apply for a residency, get a full time nanny
b) Take over the role of motherhood fully and postpone my career for a few years.

Being the dutiful kind, I picked option b! Better known as 'Stay at Home Mom'! :)

But I overlooked a few things:
a) Pregnancy is not a good time to be making such decisions!! Remember the hormones!!!!!!!!!
b) With every subsequent baby, add few more years to the postponement!
c) The economy boom isn't gonna last for ever
d) Lastly but not the least, kids won't go anywhere for a looooooong time! Motherhood is a lifelong job, the job requirements will change but the title won't change!

Just like any other employment, this job has its ups and lows. It requires diligence(lack thereof can have serious consequences), commitment(not really a choice), patience (lots of it), balance(or something like it), courage(based on Asian proverb: Jo dar gaya so mar gaya! One who fears, is one who dies!), perseverance(yes and sound like a broken record!),and of course total emotional control(who am I fooling!!! Doesn't exist!).

Well three sons and a dozen years into it, I have decided to share my mix of joys, heartaches, stresses, successes, disappointments, nightmares and struggles of motherhood with every devoted parent out there.......
And do share your experiences and advice, I am always in need of new cool ideas! :)