When in Med school, full of confidence, hope and ambition, I never saw myself as a stay at home full time mom. Never! The future I imagined then was always as a single woman, never even thought of marriage and kids. All I saw was myself as a successful physician, making great money while doing what I loved! I did that for almost 5 years, and enjoyed every bit of it. Mind you, it wasn't always easy, had to deal with nasty unpleasant patients, mean lazy nurses, and old cranky consultants who wouldn't hear of any other diagnosis then their own! But I loved my relationship with my patients, specially the elderly. I loved listening to their stories, and loved receiving all their sweet generous prayers for my future.
Then came marriage time, by then I had been made aware by meddling aunties of the importance thereof. My mom's stress was also showing so I gave in and said yes to the guy they picked. I realized I would have to move to the US but it was ok since all my siblings were already settled here. The fact that I had to resign from my job and be unemployed wasn't easy! The excitement of the wedding, kept my unhappiness at becoming financially dependent on my husband, suppressed and forgotten.
On arrival to the US, very quickly realized, I hardly knew the man I had married. Getting to know him, establishing a mutual love and respect would take time, a significant amount of patience, forgiveness, understanding and yes, work!! All that kept me busy for a long while. Then came kids and the decision of a lifetime to give motherhood a priority over pursuing my career.
About 12 years later, as the kids are growing up and becoming more independent, I have somewhat more time to myself. More time to think retrospectively, more time to second guess all my past decisions, more time to remember myself as that ambitious young woman! Then it dawns on me, that somewhere somehow I have lost that person! The one known for her laughter, her optimism, her carefree attitude, her idealism, that young woman is gone.... That woman was also coquette, she always has perfectly manicured hands and pedicured feet, she could fit into a size 4 dress, and she had a flawless skin!
I ask myself why I don't laugh out loud so much, why I give in to persuasion so much, why I don't express my point of view as aggressively, why I forego my needs first. And why don't I lose all that weight, when did I get all those sunspots and wrinkles, how can I be ok with it? That is when I realize, maybe that young woman is still here, only now she is known for being practical, resourceful, caring, and very realistic! And it is ok if now she looks like a married woman with kids!
So I guess, She is ok and she has matured, that's all! :)
