http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20111003,00.html
I realized that I wasn't imagining that there was unfair hierarchy in our family! It is everywhere and affects everyone. This hierarchy directly affect the dynamics in a family and thus also influences the personalities of all family members, especially the children!
Who hasn't heard of or met someone with the so called "Middle child syndrome"? But how come no one talks of the eldest child syndrome? Or the youngest child syndrome? For in my experience, these syndromes are very much a reality!
I grew up in a family with a dominant sharp tongued and often unpredictable father, a high spirited devoted & resilient mother and four highly intelligent, emotionally volatile and somewhat ambitious kids.
Being the third daughter followed by the one and only son, I was in a tough spot! Wasn't entitled to favors usually reserved for the youngest, and then squeezed under two rather commanding sisters!
Now what I wondered all those years growing up was whether my well known patience, and self sufficiency were inherent in me or those were tactics that helped me find my place in the family dynamics? Those qualities may sound nice ones, but believe me , they were my curse sometimes..... Anyone needed being overlooked, who else but the patient one! Anyone needed to assist and wait on mom or dad, pick the handy one! At a younger age, I took that as a compliment but as I grew up, I realized how much less attention, love and appreciation was being sent my way!
Once my dad decided to describe each of his child's special role in his life. The eldest girl was his achiever, his adviser. The second girl was his gnarly one, but being so much like him in looks and personality, he enjoyed it! About his son, he was his pride and his heir. Then my mom said " What about your third child?" Yes, he had forgotten me! "Oh, she's the one who helps me out...."
It might have been his way of complimenting me....... Though it did not sound like one to me!
But that kind of defined what role each one of us would play in the family. One would lead, the other would follow though she'd voice her objection freely, he would be the endearing one and I would be the more compliant one ,and the last in line.
That was decades ago, we're all settled, married with kids, each living in different states. We no longer have to conform to the roles we were placed in, at least in our individual lives. Some of the skills we developed because of that hierarchy have been a source of strength and an asset in certain situations in our individual lives. While at other times, not so good for us! That is when we ask our parents why they treated each of us so differently as we grew up. We always try to blame them for our shortcomings!
Now that I am a parent, I don't know if they were really that much in control of who we'd become. Each of my child is so unique in some ways and yet so alike in others. I try to keep each of their special characteristics in mind and keep a balance and fairness in all I do, but I have a feeling that when they are all grown up and independent , they will have more complaints against me as a mother then I can imagine!
And by the way, that hierarchy, we all think we're free of now, it creeps right back up at each family reunion. Hence the legendary drama, friction, stress and frustration of all families' reunions. :)
No comments:
Post a Comment
You're comments are always welcome.