When you don't get your own child?!

I am hoping as I share my dilemma;

1. That I am not the only one
2. I am not the one to blame here

As I picked parenting as my full time job,  I assumed my professional experiences (specially my rotation in Peds Psych) and my medical education would give me enough insight to do a phenomenal job! Have I ever been so wrong!!! :(

When they are young toddlers, any big conflict or complaining or whining fit between child and parent can be easily averted by creating a distraction. Ooh, how gullible my little cuties were then! But as they get older and somewhat more cunning they learn to see through our peace-keeping tactics. The wiser they get the more complex becomes our plan of action and over time it becomes totally emotionally and mentally exhausting to keep it up. Thus comes the time of confrontations, arguments and complaints!

As my eldest  hit his preteen phase, He started throwing a barrage of accusations at me. From being guilty of favoring the younger ones to causing him to mislay his homework sheet, from ruining his life (his precise words!) to hating him so much (again per verbatim)!

Now his father very lovingly explained to me 'It is just a phase, it will pass' and reassures me 'He doesn't mean it, he really loves you a lot'. But he wasn't the one being told that he wasn't a good parent! I was!!

At first I tried to reason with my dear son, I laid out a list of extraordinary things I have done above and beyond my motherly duties, I provided verbal and material evidence of all he's been given and blessed with. I mean how can he complain after the overwhelming evidence of my immense love and devotion.  But I soon realized that I was explaining myself all the time and I couldn't anymore, it was too emotionally consuming.

Then came the authoritarian  mom. No more explaining! Only firm disagreement and end all conversations with finality to discourage dissent. Yep I put up a cold war wall!! Pretty soon the wall appeared to be becoming impenetrable, instead of improving my relationship with my son I was losing any closeness we had, so broke down the wall asap!

Now let me tell you that besides these outbursts and sometimes thoughtless remarks, I have a really good kid on my hands! He has never gotten in trouble in school or anywhere else. He has done exceptionally well in academics! He is responsible and trustworthy.

So after months of second guessing myself as a mother, I came to the conclusion that it was time to accept, believe and trust. Accept that I will make mistakes and I will stumble on my journey as a mom, and believe in my love for my son and vice versa, and finally trust myself and my beautiful son to move past these PHASES and enjoy each wonderful moment I have with him.

I just hope I can stick to this plan!! ;)