Oranges and Sunshine

Last week saw " Oranges and Sunshine" a movie by Jim Loach based on a book 'Empty Cradles' by Margaret Humphreys. The movie and the subject are both so poignant that I wanted to share it with my friends.

Starring Emma Watson , as  Margaret Humphreys a real life social worker who in the 1980s uncovered the scandalous and forced relocation of poor British children (on welfare) to Australia. As usual Emma Watson gives an impeccable performance.
Hugo Weaving and David Wenham also give powerful performances as Jack and Len as two former British Child migrants who are tormented by their painful past. The movie is slow paced and leaves one deeply disturbed by this blatant miscarriage of justice and cruelty to children but I would still recommend it!

Facts about British Forced Child Migration:

It has since been established that such forced migrations of poor children were made not only to Australia. The origins of the scheme go back to 1618 when a hundred children were sent from London to Richmond, Virginia which is now one of the United States of America. The final party arrived in Australia in 1970. It is estimated that child migration programmes were responsible for the removal of over 130,000 children from the United Kingdom to Canada, New Zealand, Zimbabwe (formerly Rhodesia) and Australia. About 7000 of these children were sent to Australia.
In most cases children were told their parents had died or didn't want them back, while parents were told their kids had been adopted by wealthier people. These children were placed in Roman Catholic Institutions in Western Australia and Queensland, where they were housed and allegedly abused. The children were promised a life full of Sunshine and Oranges, hence the name of the movie.

Britain is the only country in the world with a sustained history of child migration. Only Britain has used child migration as a significant part of its child care strategy over a period of four centuries rather than as a policy of last resort during times of war or civil unrest.This is a shameful chapter in British history, the govt of Britain and Australia initially refused to acknowledge it. Prime Ministers Kevin Rudd and Gordon Brown finally made public apologies in 2009 and 2010 respectively.

Margaret Humphreys to this day is working through the Child Migrants Trust to join these children and their families to their relatives and families in Britain.

The dilemma of the "If Onlys" in life!

I do realize we cannot change anything in the past but when things in the present don't go as expected I think we all try to hold on to dreams of what might have been. The 'If Only' dilemma! I don't know about you but I have had far too many 'If Onlys', some of which still haunt me to this day.
They are not all that occupies my mind but they do keep popping into my head every now and then. And on some days they become gigantic regrets that overwhelm me and leave a sadness in my heart.

As I grow older those 'If Only' moments are becoming fewer and are less often accompanied by that brief painful pang. So I ask myself, does that mean that I have gotten wiser? or does it mean that I am starting to lose hope of  anything being different more like I imagined?

If I ask my dear mom that she'd probably declare this was wisdom so would my older sisters and tell me to lay it to rest. Yet somehow I feel it is important to hold on to some of those 'If Onlys'. It those unfulfilled ideas and hopes that often force us to take significant steps towards growth and positive change in our lives. It is those regrets that keep reminding us of our potential and our aspirations, they awaken the desire to reach for more then what we have resigned ourselves to in life. I understand that circumstances and responsibilities as a parent can restrict and limit the actions one can take but it is that deep seated pain of loss that drives us to try to regain some of the optimistic and idealistic magic which is often the secret behind great achievements in life.

In my case, even writing this blog is a part of my efforts to achieve a little more each day. And I am hoping it will drive me to do for my personal and spiritual growth.

When God created Mothers....

As I was going through mementos stashed in one of my dresser's drawers, came across this note. I got it from my youngest when he was a  preschooler with his mother's day gift, thought I'd share it with other moms!

When the good Lord was creating mothers, He was in to his sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared and said, "You're doing a lot of fiddling around on this one."
And the Lord said,"Have you read the specs on this order? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic... have 180 movable parts-all replaceable....run on black coffee and leftovers...have a lap that disappears when she stands up...a kiss that can cure anything from a broken leg to a disappointed love affair...and six pairs of hands."
The angel shook her head slowly and said,"Six pairs of hands? No way." "It's not the hands that are causing me problems," said the Lord. "It's the three pairs of eyes that mothers have to have."
"That's on the standard model?" asked the angel.
The Lord nodded."One pair that sees through closed doors when she asks,"What are you kids doing in there?" when she already knows.Another in the back of her head that sees what she shouldn't but what she has to know. And of course, the ones in the front that can look at a child when he goofs up and say "I understand and I love you" without so much as uttering a word.
"Lord," said the angel touching his sleeve gently,"go to bed tomorrow is another......"
"I can't," said the Lord. " I'm so close now. Already I have one that heals herself when she is sick, can feed a family of six on one pound of hamburger, and can get a nine year old to stand under a shower."
The angel circled the model of a mother very slowly. "It's too soft,"she sighed.
" But tough!" said the Lord excitedly. " You cannot imagine what this mother can do or endure."
" Can it think?"
'Not only think, but it can reason and compromise" said the Creator. Finally, the angel bent over and ran her finger across her cheek.
" There's a leak," she pronounced.
" It's not a leak," said the Lord. "It's a tear."
"What's that for?"
" It's for joy, sadness, disappointment, pain, loneliness and pride."
"You are a Genius," said the angel.
The Lord looked somber," I didn't put it there."

Shopping savvy or just plain thrifty?

Just like all women in general, I enjoy shopping and spending on stuff I don't really need! Yes, I am guilty!!

Yet, unlike many women I know, I buy what I like not what the fashion world or the media tells me I need to buy to qualify as stylish and well-dressed. This does not mean that I didn't buy animal print shirts or skinny jeans, but it means I bought them only when I like how I looked in them and didn't care what the label said! Be it Micheal Kors, Ann Klein or Target label, if I like it I buy it!

Now to my surprise, this attitude is often so foreign to most ladies (including my friends) that the only way they can believe it to be ok is when they label me as thrifty and blame finances for my lack of desperation to acquire Designer label items! Although I don't really put much effort into dispelling this perception, why bother?! But I do find it strange and have tried to understand why it is so hard for most women to just follow their gut, wear what makes them look good and buy what they feel is worth it's price and how come I don't feel that pressure?

After much retrospection into how I became that way (since in most peoples' eyes I am an oddity) I have come to the conclusion that my mom is responsible! Yep, it's mom ,again! And in this case I am totally thankful to her for raising me free of any label restrictions or status hunger. Thank you Mom!
Growing up as a bureaucrat's kids we were spoiled in some ways, but spending was strictly budgeted. If dad had agreed to bend his principles and taken a few bribes and favors here and there, it might have been different but he never wavered, in spite of being ostracized for being so uncompromising. But that kept him free of any controversy in very politically driven times.

So coming back to our spending habits, my mom very effectively taught us to buy what we needed and what we could afford. An old proverb constantly repeated was "spread your feet according to the size of your blanket". We were always smartly dressed, kept up with fashion to a reasonable degree but hardly ever gave in easily. If a fad made me look fat or short, I was going to skip on it and be ok with it! If I failed to take a stand and went for the strange poofy sleeves or loose shapeless tops and looked like a bodybuilder (being already broad shouldered) my mom jolted me back to reality. Hence I never boarded the crazy fads bandwagon!

Another big factor making me money wise was growing up in a non-credit culture. In the Asian culture, being indebted financially is a burden no one wants to carry. In some areas, debt is still used as a means to enslaving farming families and controlling their freedom by agricultural landlords. In such a society, you run as far away as you can from taking loans or using credit for any purpose. That is why we never spent more then we had, and we were taught to save for a rainy day since credit was not an option! It teaches you to keep an eye on your financial means. And that habit has kept me and my family free of loans and debts even in this credit crazed culture where everyone wants to buy everything whether they can afford it or not! When the economy hit rock bottom we managed to keep ourselves afloat and made it through the tough times.

So I guess; I really don't care who I wear or how much I spend as long as I get what I need and what I want.

Thanks Mom and Dad!

A worthy advice to my sons......

When I first read the poem " If " by Rudyard Kipling,  I was a teenager with no cares in the world.
Then I read this poem again recently, I am mother to three beautiful boys, I have all the cares in the world for their happy and safe future!
I did like the poem that first time long ago too but I don't think I really got the essence of it completely. It means a lot more to me now, it brings tears to my eyes because now I too am a parent who wishes nothing but to raise good men who lead wise and worthy lives..... So for all the parents of sons, here it is........

                                     IF


If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!

An Unfair Hierarchy

When I saw this Time magazine cover story in October 2011
http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,20111003,00.html
I realized that I wasn't imagining that there was unfair hierarchy in our family! It is everywhere and affects everyone. This hierarchy directly affect the dynamics in a family and thus also influences the personalities of all family members, especially the children!

Who hasn't heard of or met someone with the so called "Middle child syndrome"? But how come no one talks of the eldest child syndrome? Or the youngest child syndrome? For in my experience, these syndromes are very much a reality!
I grew up in a family with a dominant sharp tongued and often unpredictable father,  a high spirited devoted & resilient mother and four highly intelligent, emotionally volatile and somewhat ambitious kids.
Being the third daughter followed by the one and only son, I was in a tough spot! Wasn't entitled to favors usually reserved for the youngest, and then squeezed under two rather commanding sisters!

Now what I wondered all those years growing up was whether my well known patience, and self sufficiency were inherent in me or those were tactics that helped me find my place in the family dynamics? Those qualities may sound nice ones, but believe me , they were my curse sometimes..... Anyone needed being overlooked, who else but the patient one! Anyone needed to assist and wait on mom or dad, pick the handy one! At a younger age, I took that as a compliment but as I grew up, I realized how much less attention, love and appreciation was being sent my way!

Once my dad decided to describe each of his child's special role in his life. The eldest girl was his achiever, his adviser. The second girl was his gnarly one, but being so much like him in looks and personality, he enjoyed it! About his son, he was  his pride and his heir.   Then my mom said " What about your third child?" Yes, he had forgotten me! "Oh, she's the one who helps me out...."
It might have been his way of complimenting me....... Though it did not sound like one to me!
But that kind of defined what role each one of us would play in the family. One would lead, the other would follow though she'd voice her objection freely, he would be the endearing one and I would be the more compliant one ,and the last in line.

That was decades ago, we're all settled, married with kids, each living in different states. We no longer have to conform to the roles we were placed in, at least in our individual lives. Some of the skills we developed because of that hierarchy have been a source of strength and an asset in certain situations in our individual lives. While at other times, not so good for us!  That is when we ask our parents why they treated each of us so differently as we grew up. We always try to blame them for our shortcomings!
Now that I am a parent, I don't know if they were really that much in control of who we'd become. Each of my child is so unique in some ways and yet so alike in others. I try to keep each of their special characteristics in mind and keep a balance and fairness in all I do, but I have a feeling that when they are all grown up and independent , they will have more complaints against me as a mother then I can imagine!
And by the way, that hierarchy, we all think we're free of now, it creeps right back up at each family reunion. Hence the legendary drama, friction, stress and frustration of all families' reunions. :)

The Disappearing Act ?

When in Med school, full of confidence, hope and ambition, I never saw myself as a stay at home full time mom. Never! The future I imagined then was always as a single woman, never even thought of marriage and kids. All I saw was myself as a successful physician, making great money while doing what I loved! I did that for almost 5 years, and enjoyed every bit of it. Mind you, it wasn't always easy, had to deal with nasty unpleasant patients, mean lazy nurses, and old cranky consultants who wouldn't hear of any other diagnosis then their own! But I loved my relationship with my patients, specially the elderly. I loved listening to their stories, and loved receiving all their sweet generous prayers for my future.
Then came marriage time, by then I had been made aware by meddling aunties of the importance thereof. My mom's stress was also showing so I gave in and said yes to the guy they picked. I realized I would have to move to the US but it was ok since all my siblings were already settled here. The fact that I had to resign from my job and be unemployed wasn't easy! The excitement of the wedding, kept my unhappiness at becoming financially dependent on my husband, suppressed and forgotten.
On arrival to the US, very quickly realized, I hardly knew the man I had married. Getting to know him, establishing a mutual love and respect  would take time, a significant amount of patience, forgiveness, understanding and yes, work!! All that kept me busy for a long while. Then came kids and the decision of a lifetime to give motherhood a priority over pursuing my career.
About 12 years later, as the kids are growing up and becoming more independent, I have somewhat more time to myself. More time to think retrospectively, more time to second guess all my past decisions, more time to remember myself as that ambitious young woman! Then it dawns on me, that somewhere somehow I have lost that person! The one known for her laughter, her optimism, her carefree attitude, her idealism, that young woman is gone.... That woman was also coquette, she always has perfectly manicured hands and pedicured feet, she could fit into a size 4 dress, and she had a flawless skin!
I ask myself why I don't laugh out loud so much, why I give in to persuasion so much, why I don't express my point of view as aggressively, why I forego my needs first. And why don't I lose all that weight, when did I get all those sunspots and wrinkles, how can I be ok with it? That is when I realize, maybe that young woman is still here, only now she is known for being practical, resourceful, caring, and very realistic! And it is ok if now she looks like a married woman with kids!
So I guess, She is ok and she has matured, that's all! :)