Raising boys in these times

 

What kind of movies or music my kids would be exposed to growing up was 

not something I deeply pondered on when thinking about parenting as a first time mom. 

But then one day walking into our family room I saw my husband working on his laptop 

while a Bollywood movie ran on the TV and my eldest son who was barely two at the time 

watching it quite intently with a big smile on his face. I turned towards the screen and saw 

a typical Bollywood song going on, plenty of color, upbeat music, women and men gyrating, 

the camera zooming in on the women’s busts or butts every few seconds… to most Desi 

people there is nothing strange or out of the ordinary about that. But seeing my little toddler 

watching made me pointedly aware of the sexuality, vulgarity and complete objectification of 

women that movie like most Bollywood movies was projecting and I turned the TV off.

 It was in that moment that I realized how much it mattered to me what my son grew up 

watching and listening and how much influence the entertainment he was exposed to might 

affect his personality. To figure out what I did not want my son watch or listen to, I defined what 

I did not want for him to be or do.

 

- I did not want him to accept the objectification and sexualization of women as normal.

- I did not want him to be acclimatized or numb to violence and gore of any sort.

- I did not want him to ever think a gun was a toy and something to be taken lightly.

At that time, it also became quite apparent how much the entertainment industry exposes us 

to all of these. Most TV shows were about cops or detectives either solving violent crimes or 

shooting at the ‘bad guys’, the main hero often aggressive with a flair of bad boy vibe, whereas 

almost all TV series had sexual content injected into them clearly to attract more viewers, MTV 

music videos too were full of sexualized content and even so called kid shows on Disney either 

had somewhat precocious kids already falling in love or juggling romantic relationships or 

shouting at their parents, stomping off, banging doors and all that supposedly made them cool..

When it came to music, that too was often full of sexual innuendos, especially rap music which 

was full of explicits too.

When it came to toys for boys, I decided not to buy my boys toy guns and the likes of it, nor 

did I let them play video games that had violence and gore in them or where the objective 

involved shooting or killing others. I was frowned upon by some friends and family members 

for depriving my boys of the fun they could have with Nerf guns and the likes...but I believed 

that weapons especially guns should not be introduced in a child’s life as a toy, it diminishes 

the reality of what a gun is meant for and how dangerous an object it is. 

So yes, that took a whole lot of entertainment off the table for my kids for the first their early 

years, restricting their TV to mostly PBS shows, or shows like The Wiggles, Backyardigans, 

or reality shows like Amazing Race, Who Wants to Be a Millionaire or Wheel of Fortune or 

DVDs of Wallace and Gromit, Fireman Sam, Rescue Heroes, etc.. Movies were also mostly 

limited to PG rating till they began middle school. Their toys involved board games, card 

games, Leapfrog tablets,  computer for Minecraft and educational games, etc.. I also spent a 

lot of time playing word games, general knowledge and geography quizzes with my boys. 

I don’t know if my way was the right way, but I do believe the rationale behind my decisions 

was not completely baseless or unreasonable.

Why dinner time is valuable family time and needs to be part of our daily life

I grew up in a household where dinner time every member of the family had to show up, no matter what. It was at the dinner table we learned about politics, arts, literature, besides discussing and sharing our daily experiences with our siblings and parents.

My parents knew all our friends' names and what our relationship with each of them was like, they knew of all our teachers, and which ones we liked or not, they knew what book each of us was reading and if we were enjoying it or not, they knew whether we liked the latest movie we watched together, and what kind of music we were listening to the time. All this information, interaction was being carried out at the dinner table. We gave each other advice, we suggested books, expressed our view on the political state of affair, planned projects together, all at the dinner table. That was one time we all were completely present and focused on family and the joy of eating together.

For me and my siblings , some of the most memorable moments we have shared during our childhood, funny, sad or tense have been at the dinner table. Some of the most interesting family folklore we heard was at the dinner table. Some of the advice we still remember and value in our day to day life was given to us at the dinner table. So I do feel that making the effort to have dinner together every night with our children is an important part of our parental duties.

Unfortunately this tradition is being lost very fast in the US. Either all members of the family can't  match their timetables, or even if everyone makes it to the dinner table, there is often a sense of hurry and disinterest. ' Let's get over with this ' is often the mood. And now with the great invention of mobile devices, a cell phone accompanies almost each kid and both parents. So if they are not hurrying through the meal it is likely because they are each too distracted with their phone. I am sure in many case if someone was to ask them what was for dinner they may not remember, no use asking what they talked about over dinner!

Many recent studies have shown how having dinner with the family together can have a significant effect on family life and even more so on our children.
A recent article I read on the subject was in The Washington Post The most important thing you can do with your kids? Eat dinner with them. 
I am in total agreement with that. Dinner time is essential and important for reinforcing relationships, understanding & maintaining a steady communication with our kids. If we don't want to lose our children completely to the influences of social media and corporate media, we need to make the effort to sit down every night, enjoy a home cooked meal and talk to our children.

What makes memories worth remembering...

I was cleaning up a drawer and found some of my stuff from long ago that my mom brought from Pakistan a few years back. I started going through the bundles of memorabilia. Interestingly enough it was mostly notes, letters, cards, postcards, photographs and certificates etc...  Things we don't really see much of nowadays.

One was a letter written to me by my family when I was off on a fortnight long third grade class trip to the seaside. In it my sisters informed me that they got their ears pierced, one even drew a picture showing me how they looked. My mom and dad obviously wrote advice on being a good girl and staying out of trouble and trying not to lose my stuff (which I inevitably did!). It reminded me of that trip, of the loads of fun we had, of my friends from back then, of the mischief I inevitably got into, of walks on the beach, of our bedtime games hour, of our tour of the Mercator (a training ship of the Belgian Merchant Fleet from 1930s) and its significance in bringing over remains of the Flemish missionary Pater Damiaan from the leper colonies of Hawaii. All our activities were free of any sort of electronics and yet full of joy, fun and adventure!

Joli Bois (Where we stayed on our trip)

From those memories I trailed into other memories of my childhood years! I started remembering life then, how we had no cell phones, no computers, no video games, no video players, and no other electronic devices.

What we had was freedom, freedom to go out to the park with our friends without fear of 'bad guys', freedom to climb trees, fences, walls without fear of litigation or lawsuits, freedom to visit friends without fear of intruding, and freedom to just while away the time after school and homework was done without the pressure of endless extracurricular activities or academic tutoring classes.

We lived and enjoyed life, we savored and experienced life.

If it was summer, we went out to play with friends or learn to roller skate or skateboard, or we rode our bikes around the neighborhood or just went for a walk to the park.. we rarely sat indoors in summer before the sun set! And in Belgium it meant til 9-10 pm....
In winter, we would bring out the board games Monopoly, Scrabbles, Ulcers, Connect four, Mastermind,etc.. have tournaments amongst us and often our mom and dad joined in. If no games, then we'd read books, magazine or newspapers, or we'd come up with some crafty project and start work on that either alone or together. Television was often a last option, not only because most channels wouldn't start transmission til later in the afternoon but because we had so much else we could do. We were never really bored!!

But then I ask myself; will my children have such memories? Do they spend enough time with other human beings? Will they have as many memories of things they did with family, friends, classmates in school, college, colleagues at work and even total strangers? Will they remember such simple things as climbing a tree, planting a seed, tumbling down a hill, picking fall leaves?

With how life is in our world now, I am not so sure! What will they remember? Will they have photographs, letters or postcards to remind them? Will their memories be off playing video games alone, browsing the internet all day long, of chatting with friends or family online but without recollection of their smile or laughter? How rich and full will their memories be?

Nowadays I feel our children are being restricted and confined by the abundance of electronic distractions.. Yes, that is what they are, distractions from family, friendships and relationships,  sports, nature, books, diverse experiences and mostly from really living life.

It our job as parents to take a stand and try harder to get our children to leave the electronics behind and go out to enjoy life in simpler and more interactive ways. We need to give them memories like ours of time well spent with family and friends,  of time spent seeing the world around us and beyond, of time spent discovering new talents and experiencing new things.

Overexposure to technology is keeping our children from experiencing real living

Too much technology is becoming the defining tribulation of our times. Although the easy constant access to technology has some very convincing supporters, it also has its share of vehement opposition. I belong to neither of these groups.
"Everything in moderation" is my motto. I think the most worrisome concern is our children, they spend far too much time on devices and in front of computer screens. They are less physically active then our generation, they tend to socialize digitally instead of actual face to face encounters, they also use technology as an escape from the real life often avoiding stressful situations or conversations. No matter how painful or awkward social interactions might get, they are also the learning opportunities our children are deprived of as they forge friendships and relationships digitally.

It is easier for them to express feelings, ideas or points of view remotely sitting behind a laptop or device. They don't see the reaction on people's face, or the emotions their statement might arise in others. That also means they can be more aggressive, ruthless, right out hurtful without ever seeing or facing the consequences of their words, at least not right away. Many a times they also can make up a persona online which may be nothing like their real selves, hence making it highly unlikely that they will ever physically and actually meet the individuals with whom they are putting up this pretension. All these thing lead to further physical isolation in the real world.

The prevalent social media frenzy is also promoting voyeurism in an insidious and disturbingly sneaky way , the urge to peek into others' personal lives can be instantly satisfied by going through anyone's social media profile and photos. On top of that the 'sharing' concept is becoming like force-feeding. Our children are being fed these unrealistic images and news of how life is, could be, should be... Leaving very little room for originality and initiative. Anything that does not fit into the realm of hip and cool isn't worth posting about or mentioning.

The effects of these significant changes in socializing, living and experiencing life may not be seen immediately but I fear they will surface when this generation of techno-hooked children will grow up and be forced to deal with real life and have no escape from it but will have little experience to go on.

Why I stand by my ban on toy guns, violent games and violent movies in my house!

I know some people including my own brother think that I have it wrong, exposure to guns specially toy guns doesn't make a child less sensitive to gun violence. Playing violent video games such as Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty doesn't necessarily make you a violent person. 
But every time I see headlines like the following, the more strongly I feel about the affect of unnecessary exposure to violence and the more aware I become of the dangers of making children think that a gun could be a toy or killing and shooting at people could be a game.

3 Students Shot Near Brashear High School In Pittsburgh ( Nov 13,2013 Huff Post) 

Police: 20 children among 26 victims of Connecticut school shooting ( Dec. 15, 2012 CNN US)

At least 12 dead, 59 injured in Colorado theater shooting during 'Dark Knight Rises' (July 20,2012 Fox News)

US police name suspect in Oakland college shooting (April 3, 2012 BBC)

Rep. Gabrielle Giffords shot in Tucson rampage; federal judge killed ( Jan 8, 2011 Washington Post)

Worst U.S shooting ever kills 33 on VA campus ( April 16, 2007 NBC News)

Man Shoots 11, Killing 5 Girls, in Amish School (Oct 3, 2006  NY Times) 

 And these are just a few of the mass shooting incidents that have occurred since the April 1999 Columbine shooting. There are more than 28 such shootings on record, and disturbingly enough victims include young children. 

Another way that today's children are over exposed to violence is through movies. A recent study published in the scientific journal Pediatrics after researches analyzed the 30 top-grossing films every year from 1950 to 2012, concluded that the gun violence in PG-13 movies has tripled over time. The overall violence has doubled.

I do realize that taking toy gun, graphic violent games and movies away will not guarantee a decrease in violence but I do think it might help prevent our future generations from becoming totally immune and acclimatized to violence and killing in general. 




More on the American Academy of Pediatrics study 

Film gun violence has tripled since 1985 - study (Read full story)

Gun violence in PG-13 movies has tripled  (Read full story)

The lines are blurred in far too many ways!!

Wondering what I am talking about, it's sleazy Robin Thicke's summer hit " Blurred Lines". Yes, that supposedly upbeat party song, which was blasted by almost all radio stations all summer long. Everyone seemed to love it, but how many of you actually listened to what was being said in the song? If you did, believe me you probably wouldn't want your sons and daughters listening and singing along to this clearly obscene song. I am saying that because I actually read the lyrics to the whole song.
The reason I did that is I learned to pay attention to lyrics when I became a mom to three boys. I like listening to all kinds of music when driving, I love jamming my favs on the radio when going on long drives. Honestly speaking, I didn't really pay attention to the lyrics of the songs, if they had a fun beat, nice rhythm I'd put it on, without a thought. Then one day I heard my preschooler trying to sing along with Lil Jon's song " Get low", I was mortified!! That was not the kind of song a preschooler should be singing! I started paying attention to the words of the songs , there were far too many channels playing songs with sexually charged lyrics, the more I became conscious of the content of songs the more I was shocked. Hence I decided to listen to NPR or my own selection of music CDs mostly, and only sometimes to songs ( I knew lyrics to) on other radio channels.

So when this summer " Blurred lines" was playing in every possible place, I was very worried to notice that few seemed to even realize how obscene and disturbingly graphic the lyrics were and had lyrics insinuating that aggression and violence go along with consensual sex and relationships. I started asking myself, is our society so immune to such blatant social degradation?

Then today I saw The Guardian news headline "Blurred Lines: the most controversial song of the decade" and as I read on, the news piece was about the song being banned by University College London student union thus joining some 20 other such student bodies in the UK. It also mentions outcry by several US organizations such as Slutwalk about the explicit and violent nature of the song's lyrics. It was a relief to know that others besides myself had issues with this song, others were also worried to see the immunity of the public to songs. There are still people and organizations out there fighting to uphold certain levels of decency, morality and civility. There is hope!

The full article in The Guardian

Blurred Lines: the most controversial song of the decade

The Power Of Words

I recently watched the video for Emeli Sandé's new song "My Kind Of Love". I have always enjoyed her voice, which is intense and beautiful, but this song came with just as nice a video.

It starts off with bullets hitting a car's windshield. It took me a few seconds before I realized what was really being shot, it wasn't bullets but words, words full of anger, hatred, meanness, and indifference. As I watched the video the Spanish proverb  'A word from the mouth is like a stone from a sling.' came to mind. Think of all the times carelessly spoken words have lead to pain, anguish, heartbreak, despair, hopelessness, anger, and many a times ended precious relationships and friendships.

We all have been at the receiving end of such verbal attacks and remember most of those occasions vividly, but sadly enough we have been at the shooting end too and yet rarely remember those reckless moments. Usually when dealing with strangers I am more careful with my words. On the other hand, when angry with someone I care about, I have to admit that I get quite mean and petty, I say things I know will get to the other person and probably hurt them and at that moment that is my intention. Even though later I only feel emotionally drained, tired, guilty and full of regret.

In my efforts to become a better and wiser person, over the years I have learned to change my arguing tactics, so now instead of lashing out without restrain when mad I try to get up and walk away as soon as I detect that anger rising in me. When possible I actually go walk outside which is great, it takes the rage out of me, and it allows me to think out how to get just my point across and not have it lost in a barrage of words shot out uselessly. Do I do it everytime? No I don't but I try and will keep on training myself to do it.
All I need, we all need to remember is "nescit vox missa reverti" (A word once spoken can never be recalled.)
I agree and therefore I will strive to use my words more wisely and constructively, and I will try to teach this to my sons too and save them loads of guilt and regret.
Here is the video " My Kind of Love"

Our children and their disconnect to Nature........A tragic consequence of the Digital age!

One of my fondest memories from my childhood are of our long endless walks with my mom, sometimes in the parks, sometimes just around town. We'd talk just about anything, we'd joke around, or play word games as we walked and walked and walked. But then if a breeze would make the leaves rustle, our mom would stop and make us listen and enjoy the soft sound and watch the leaves dance gently. If a bird were to sit nearby we'd pause and try to figure out it's name and species. In days of fall, we'd collect leaves in different shades of red, orange, rust and yellow. In short we were aware and connected to our surroundings..... to nature.
We loved to go on long lazy walks....walks leading no where in particular, with no time limit, and with no definite purpose except to absorb the beauty and magic of nature.

But that was the seventies and eighties, the time before the Personal computer, Nintendo, Cell phone, X- Box, PlayStation, iPad and all these electronic devices! Now is the Digital age! In today's world, texting has  replaced talking, FaceTime or Skype have replaced actually meeting, emailing has replaced writing and mailing a letter, and playing with someone now means playing without ever meeting or knowing them. This is the age of maximum physical isolation and complete disconnect between man and his immediate surroundings!! Actual social interaction can be avoided to the point that you can survive without having any human interaction whatsoever!

Man has been defined as a social animal. the development of skills such as biological, social, intellectual and moral are highly influenced by the interaction with other human beings. The lack of these constant opportunities to refine basic social skills and learn new ones can only lead to men and women deficient in many of the basic social acumens essential to function in society in a productive, positive and normal way. Sadly that seems to be the direction our children are heading in. This generation is being overwhelmed and bombarded with digital and electronic alternatives to actual sports, social gatherings, friendships, family time and experiencing the fun of being outdoors. This may be saving them moments of embarrassment, confusion, disappointment, failure, loss and pain but then it is also depriving them from opportunities to learn, grow and evolve as human beings. Today's generation would rather remotely send a text, or email or maybe just de-friend others, instead of  actually confronting issues, mistakes, misunderstandings and other emotional dramas that are part of life. I have had teenagers tell me how they'd rather text some friends then to actually talk to them face to face. Even grown-ups are breaking up relationships with texts rather then telling their significant others to their face and experience the consequence of their decision first-hand!
 
Can someone who has played games online with you for ages but has never met you be a real friend to you? Will all your Facebook friends show up when you're in trouble and need help? When they post a heart on your page, do they really mean love? When they don't click 'Like' , does that mean they don't care? Why do human emotions have to be restricted by these shallow, erratic and thoughtless clicks or posts? Do we really want our next generations to live in such a world?

And what about the use of remote devices to fight our enemies? The use of drones for bombarding enemy targets, without a single boot on the ground is a ruthless and cowardly way to fight. Does the soldier pressing that button feel anything? Can he distinguish between killing an enemy combatant in a video game and killing a live breathing human being? Can he tell if he killed the real target or just a child playing in his backyard? Does he think of the environmental ramifications of these blasts? Will he ever see the damage, destruction and death one click might have caused? If they never experience the true reactions to their actions, the consequences of their decisions, what is going to make them stop and think before they leap?

Let's unplug those computers, let's stop buying those video games, let's explore our forest preserves, let's bring our children back to the real world and help them appreciate it by really experiencing it.Only then will they think twice about the extended consequences of their actions in life and hopefully make more responsible and humane decisions. Let us save our children by letting them live real lives with real people and thus save our world.

( This post was inspired by a recent news article on BBC News . "Just one in five children connected to nature, says study. " Here is the link to it. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-24532638)